As a psychologist and life-coach, my heart is exposed to the elements. The elements are tears, pain, suffering, hopelessness, cynicism, fear, and the trappings of history.

Us shrink/coaches are supposed to maintain our distance, our healthy boundaries. Daily, I commit the crime of loving my patients and coachees. That’s a little too close to take it all in, so I simultaneously have to step back and look with perspective at what I’m so priveleged to be hearing.

And as I step back, I sometimes notice points when emotions have overpowered a client. The client may be stuck in reaction-mode; reacting to their own struggles. This person may have lost faith in him or herself. Humanly lost, the client thinks that he or she doesn’t know the way out.

At the worst of those times, a client has openly declared that there’s nothing that can be done & have decided to submit to his or her hopelessness.

But, there is another choice. And that choice is a secret lantern, leading out of dark caves.  It is what our inner guidance calls to us to remember. That choice is to recognize the innate power that we each have to get creative.

Create what we want to see, what we want to have in our lives, what we want to be or experience.

How can we do this if we are in the zone of reactivity? How can we tap into our inner guidance, which is urging us to take ascend our present moment?

Sometimes we need to heal first. That is where the deeper, more intimate work of therapy comes in.

After the healing, we may need some principles to guide us further; this is where coaching comes in. This is also where masterminding and group support (from positive groups like the ones I conduct) come in.

The fearless life and support

The fearless life is one of choosing to create in place of reacting.  Our inner guidance urges us to create instead of react; this is our higher self.  But, sometimes our higher self is masked.

It is exactly when we’re in reactivity that we could most benefit from someone who is on the outside of our cave to call to us & remind us that we’re almost out, even though we cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. We need them to tell us to keep walking & tromping, to breathe, to remember our strength and call upon it, to be kind to ourselves in these moments, and to take some couragesous steps.

When we’re facing darkness, we need to be reminded that we each have the power to create something better, instead of reacting to the impermanent moment as though it were permanent.  The person on the outside of us does this.  We are here for each other.

REACTING VERSUS CREATING are sort of like pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey

As a child, one of the birthday-party games my best friend Karen’s parents had us play (year after year) was pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey. Eyes covered by a bandana, I faced the task of pinning a laminated “tail” with double-sided tape onto the rump of a cartoon donkey. I remember being spun me around and around. Karen’s Dad was good at making sure that I was sufficiently dizzy to have fully lost my bearings. In this state, I fumbled, as though I were a child-drunk, toward the dreaded donkey.

Where would this tail end up? Arms outstretched, reaching for the wall, all I could hear was the laughter of my friends (especially Karen’s) as I made my best effort at pinning this tail on the donkey’s rear.

One year I remember taking off my bandana and looking in horror at my tail, which was proudly pinned on the donkey’s most unmentionable location.

Lucky for me, Karen’s parents always gave out a booby-prize, which was awarded to the person whose tail was furthest from the donkey’s buttocks.

If I could have only seen where I was going. If I only were a little less confused in my direction.

But, that was the humor & fun of it.

We often forget that this fumbling we do must be hilarious to those on-high. And that it might even be hilarious to us in years to come.

We take these roads less traveled & get discouraged that we don’t know where we’re going. What if we were to have “joy as our compass and faith as our map,” as singer Jana Stanfield suggests in her song I am Not Lost I am Exploring, so that we can “blaze a trail that’s got imagination?”

What could happen for us?

Contact me if you want to engage in the healing of therapy or the expansion of coaching.  Let’s find out what could happen for you.

Pam Garcy, PhD

I often remember what Albert Ellis said: “We are almost all fallible f’d up human beings.”

Once we get that clearly stated point, which seems so basic & yet isn’t so easy to really ”get”, we can move on from demanding perfection in ourselves and others.

And this is really the key MINDSET to having great relationships with others. (Remember, I emphasize that we work on both your mindset and your skillset.)

Anyway, I recently screwed up with a colleague, who is also a dear friend.

I made lunch plans and did not write the date in my planner. Something happened between my brain making the plan and my hand writing it down in my planner. So, I totally forgot to return to writing it down.

About a week later, my colleague/friend waited at the restaurant while I was oblivious to the fact that I’d stood him up.

About a week after that, it occured to me that I didn’t remember when we’d made plans. What followed was a bit of self-disturbing & retracing my steps. I realized what I’d done.

After apologizing by e-mail, my friend forgave me via e-mail. But, guess what? I didn’t get the e-mail. So, I re-apologized by phone. I didn’t hear back from my friend that day, and my mind started to play with this “A” or activating event.

My inner guidance, the healthy guiding voice that resides in each of us (if we’ll just listen) was activated as well.  “What would you tell a client who was in this situation?”

I started to think about how I would tell a client to approach the “B’s” (the beliefs) in this instance. It was important to me not to create unhealthy negative emotions at “C” (the consequences), such as depression, shame, or guilt. It was fine to regret my mistake, and to feel sad that I may have permanently damaged a friendship. I realized that I could also make myself angry about it if I wanted to. I could apply “shoulds” to my friend–he should be forgiving, for example. But the truth is that it was totally his option to forgive me or not. So, he should feel whatever he felt.

“Yes, you could self-disturb, but is that what you want?  Or, do you want something better for yourself & for your relationships?”

So, at “B”, I decided to make it my practice to adopt unconditional self acceptance and unconditional other acceptance. I could accept myself for screwing up & making a pretty crappy mistake, as I occasionally (well sometimes more than occasionally) do. I could accept my friend for having whatever reaction he was having, though I felt sad that I thought he might have felt hurt by my mistake. Acceptance doesn’t mean liking or resignation–so I could try again at a later time to reapproach my friend & work on being more considerate & thoughtful in the future.

At these times, you may feel healthy sadness and regret for making a mistake–but you don’t have to self-disturb or anger yourself. It is a choice & I think that REBT and CBT (though scientific) are really practices rather than just therapy theories & techniques to apply now and then.

By the way, the end of the story is that my friend called and left me a really kind message telling me that he’d tried to e-mail me but it bounced back & that he’d enjoyed having some moments of quiet. He was totally cool and gracious about it. I’m glad he also practices Unconditional Other Acceptance!

Have a great day, practice Unconditional-Self-Acceptance (USA), Unconditional-Other-Acceptance (UOA), and Unconditional-Life-Acceptance (ULA).  Acceptance is the key mindset for tuning in & turning on your life!

BTW, have a Happy Halloween!

Dr. Pam Garcy

To schedule an appointment with me, please call (972) 248-3861.

PS–Yes, I misspelled Co-dependency.  Sorry!  I’m a fallible f’d up human being, but I’ll try harder next time!

Have you ever noticed that when you try to force something to happen, it usually doesn’t happen as well as when you simply allow it to happen?

I recently remembered this lesson.  Having recently been laid off of my academic position as the Director of Clinical Training at The Texas School of Professional Psychology at AUD, I was beginning to scare myself about the future. As Eckhart Tolle states, fear, “…of course is always linked with having your focus on the future and being out of touch with the Now.”

What happens when we re-enter the present moment?  When we “lose our minds and come to our senses,” as Fritz Perls suggested (ahead of his time)?  What happens when we fully engage?

Well, yesterday, I was scaring myself about the future.  It was miserable.  I sat down & could not even generate a plan or list of ideas to pursue next.  This is my usual modus operandi:  create & execute.  Instead, I was reacting and executing any possibility of pleasure in the moment!  Inner guidance…where was it?  All that was there was imagery of me sitting around, contributing nothing.

I noticed myself doing this & thought, “I’ll take a break from the fear.  I’ll go lay on our new hammock and read a book.”  Roger just bought us a hammock.  I’d been wanting to give it a try.  And, I’d just gotten a new book in the mail.  This seemed ultimately relaxing.

A simple action. 

In that simple moment of abandoning the future, I re-entered the present.  I enjoyed each breath of air, the swaying and swinging of the hammock, the warmth of the air embracing my body, the light beads of perspiration in the triple digit heat, the sounds of dogs barking and birds singing…and in that perfect moment, I forgot that I’d even been afraid.  I started thinking of ideas, imagining what I’d create with my newfound freedom.  I could start a SMART recovery group, I could start a support group for people who are depressed, I could guest lecture at others’ groups, I could exercise more, write more, meet new people in my field….

My coach, Steve Chandler, just came out with a brilliant book called Wealth Warrior.  I highly recommend that every one of you read it if you want to understand the secrets of truly using your inner guidance to create wealth.  In Fearless, Steve began to teach us that our fears around money are due to leaving the present, leaving the act of creation, and entering into a state where money equates with air.  What could happen instead if we enter the moment, easily and gently, and allow our ideas to flow?

Inner guidance is the source of creativity.  It exists in each of you.  It is how you become self-directed and relinquish the need for other-approval, or as Albert Ellis so astutely put it, the dire need for love.

Relax, breathe, tune in, and turn onto your amazingness,

Dr. Pam Garcy, author of the #1 National Bestseller The Power of Inner Guidance:  Seven Steps to Tune In and Turn On!

Use your inner guidance to reduce your enabling behavior, Co-dependency, and Low Frustration Tolerance

In the process of being an effective therapist, I often rely upon the works of Dr. Albert Ellis, founder of Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy, also known as REBT.  REBT offers a rich foundation for helping yourself because it not only teaches you a methodology for doing so, but it also teaches you a philosophy for living life.  While the concepts of REBT are simple to grasp, they are actually quite deep and rich once put into practice.

One of these seemingly simple concepts is the concept of frustration tolerance.  Biologically, when an organism is blocked from reaching a goal, they encounter a predictable reaction:  frustration.  Frustration can feel very uncomfortable, and it actually activates centers in the brain that are associated with pain.  

Some folks tend to tolerate frustration well; they work through it and continue to press on toward longer term goals.  Others tend to succumb to frustration, abandoning long-term goals in favor of short-term comfort.  In the first case, we might say that the person practices high frustration tolerance.  In the second, we might say that he or she practices low frustration tolerance.

Now the reason that I say that the person “practices” low or high frustration tolerance is that you can build your frustration tolerance, sort of like building a muscle.  If you practice and work at it, you can certainly be someone who reaches longer term goals (what Ellis referred to as long-range hedonism) through the practice of high frusrtaiton tolerance. 

Recently, I noticed that families of folks who abuse substances could really utilize this information.  Some of the work I do as a clinical psychologist in private practice involves helping people overcome social anxiety, also called social phobia.  People with this disorder often have co-morbid depression, substance abuse, and/or eating disorders.   It is often important to work with the families of these individuals as well, as families tend to enable the avoidance behaviors (such as substance abuse) that the person with social anxiety exhibits.

If you are a family member who is enabling an avoidance response, you might have been told that you are behaving in a co-dependent fashion, because you are encouraging your family member’s dependency on you in order to function normally.  But, let’s not leave it there, because REBT offers additional information that can really help you cope.  So, please consider that you might also be practicing low frustration tolerance, when it would really help you to practice high frustration tolerance. 

If you give in easily so as to avoid conflict, for example giving the person money to fund their substance abuse, then your frustration tolerance might be just as low as the person who is addicted.

Here are some steps to help you to build high frustration tolerance in this circumstance:

1.        Remember that frustration tolerance is like a muscle—the more you build it, the stronger you get.  So consider frequently practicing high frustration tolerance.

2.       Focus on the longer term goal that you want to achieve by TURNING TO INNER GUIDANCE FOR THE ANSWER—would you like to see your family member get healthier (YOUR INNER GUIDANCE WILL LET YOU KNOW), so your relationship can be based upon a healthy bond rather than one of dependency?  If so, then make decisions that will support your family  member’s indepencence and health, and tell yourself that the rewards are on their way if you hang in there.

3.       Keep a list of the disadvantages of engaging in enabling behavior by turning to inner guidance to figure out these disadvantages–ask yourself and write a list of what comes.  These can include disadvantages to you as well as to your loved one.

4.       Reward yourself when you practice high frustration tolerance.  Allow yourself to do something you enjoy such as watching a movie, taking a bubble bath, listening to favorite music, calling a friend, or reading a favorite book.

5.       Give yourself a response-cost when you practice low frustration tolerance with your loved one.  For example, force yourself to do something you dislike, like cleaning for an extra hour, and deny yourself of the reward you identified in #4.

6.       Accept yourself regardless of whether you practice low or high frustration tolerance, but know that it is to the advantage of all concerned if you practice high frustration tolerance.  I discuss this in my book The Power of Inner Guidance–self-acceptance is key to being able to tune into your healthy, loving inner voice.

7.       Get help and support, which will strengthen your resolve.  This is why the Psychology Today Find-A-Therapist site and the GoodTherapy.org exist—to connect you with the resources that could support you in your journey.