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Hi, everyone. In my work with clients, I usually sit down with them in my private and comfy office (which I love). I’ve decorated the walls with little ceramic signs that say things like, “Love,” “Laugh,” “Learn,” and “Follow Your Heart.” There’s homey furniture and pretty coasters, that my clients use for their mugs of tea or coffee, or sometimes for their gatorade. My hope is that the cozy and loving atmosphere will empower my clients to feel at home and to begin to open up to me. My hope is that they will know that they are safe to share what blocks them inside, and they are safe to dream beyond those blocks.
We sit and I take a deep breath, settle back in my chair, absorb myself in my client’s eyes and voice, and simply focus my energy upon the person in front of me. I want to truly listen to what my client is telling me. My goal is to listen carefully and really hear what the client is telling me. In the process of the person talking, he or she often begins to relax, unwind, and unfold. It is in that relaxation that the individual can truly open up to me about what is troubling him or her. And, it is in that relaxed and concentrated space that I can begin to offer questions to my client, and that i can help him or her to tap into inner guidance.
As much as I love and enjoy using and teaching REBT to my clients and inner guidance methods, what I love most is when my clients begin to use what they learn on themselves. I have noticed that over time, many of my clients begin to “self-correct” or “self-heal” right before my eyes. There are times when I am getting ready to ask a thoughtful question which will lead them to develop a more helpful understanding, or even a new philosophical stance. It is great fun to be surprised when a wonderful new idea emerges from my client’s mouth without my question ever leaving my lips. And–this is a key point–it is always much better than anything I would have imagined for them.
Part of what makes this aspect of the process fun for me is that I realize that my client is growing in the trust of his or her self-direction, becoming aware of the inner resources that are waiting to be harnessed.
I am grateful to my clients for reminding me that inner guidance is alive and well in each of us.
Dr. Pam
http://www.lifeisincredible.com
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What is the goal of putting all of this stuff together? Why do I keep harping on REBT principles and turning inward for guidance? Trusting yourself? Relying on yourself? Knowing that your answers are often already inside of you–if you’ll be honest with YOU……what’s the reason?
It is for you to have a better quality, and perhaps even quantity, of life. We only know of one definite time that we’re here–there may be more, but we don’t know for a fact–so, given that, it makes sense to approach our life as a one-shot proposition.
What improves quality of life, according to Albert Ellis, founder of REBT? Things like striving for our long term enjoyment, practicing being an individual without approval-needing, being aware of yourself and your feelings, being aware of how you create your feelings, taking responsibility for your behaviors, accepting that there is uncertainty & that sometimes things are just not known to us, building our own frustration tolerance and flexibility, accepting that we have a biology & we are animals too, committing to a goal, being creative, being interested in others, being ethical, accepting ourselves/others/life conditions, taking risks, and trying new things. It takes work. But it is good to know what we’re working for.
Pick any of the things in the paragraph above & just start working at it. I’ve found that doing the things above actually frees me up energetically so much so that it is MUCH easier to march to the beat of my own funny drummer.
–Dr. Pam
http://www.myinnerguide.com
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Albert Ellis originally posited that there were twelve false ideas that people fell prey to believing. These are worth thinking about, even thought they tend to fall under THREE MAJOR IRRATIONAL beliefs that Ellis distilled later in his career.
I’m going to put these into my own words, so this is my “translation” of the original 12 that Ellis discussed in 1955. You might want to check out The Albert Ellis Reader, edited by Ellis and Blau, because it has a great collection of his writings. Anyway, here are the 12–see if you do any of these:
- We believe that it is life or death that we get love and approval from others.
- We think that people who do wrong acts things are 100% evil.
- We think that when things aren’t going the way we want them to go, that it is terrible, horrible, and catastrophic & that life must be as we want it to be.
- Because we want this, we think that unpleasant conditions mustn’t exist–when they do, they are the source of unhappiness.
- We think that if something is outside of our comfort zone, we should feel scared & anxious about it.
- The idea that hassels shouldn’t even exist!
- The idea that we have to always rely upon something greater than ourselves, rather than on ourselves.
- The idea that we have to be competent and good at everything we do, in all ways.
- The idea that if something affected us once, it will affect us indefinitely (that the past dictates the present & future).
- The idea that other people have to do what we want them to do.
- The idea that human happiness is something that just happens & takes no work on our parts.
- The idea that our emotions just happen & we don’t have any control over them.
Eventually, Ellis distilled this into 3 main irrational beliefs that people use to disturb themselves. These are also known as the 3 MUSTS & are
- I must do well & gain approval.
- Others must treat me fairly & nicely.
- Conditions must be comfortable and hassle free.
Next time you’re feeling depressed, angry, panicky, or whathaveyou….see if you’re doing any of these. Part of the joy of turning toward your own inner guidance is that you will become more self-directed and more aware of the truth or fallacy of your beliefs.
–Dr. Pam
http://www.myinnerguide.com
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I have noticed, in working with many individuals, especially those with Borderline Personality Disorder, that there is a tendency to avoid listening to the Inner Guide.
It is merely my opinion, but in failing to listen to your inner guidance, you might be more prone to make choices that are impulsive and lack empathy for others.
In individuals with Borderline Personality, there is sometimes a tendency to attempt to transfer troubling feelings onto the person who is perceived to be the source of the feelings. Such an individual may blame others for their own feeling states, though it isn’t always the case and the individual can step beyond such blaming.
However, if you are prone to attempting to transfer your pain outward, creating it in another so that you can watch them struggle with it (it is now outside of you), then think about whether this is really victory?
Are you really victorious–you may feel victorious–you’ve released your pain. But, is it a true victory.
Here is how I would define victory for you, if you are prone to such distortions of thought due to your extreme inner turmoil:
A hollow victory is one in which you seek to change the feeling state of another person so that they will experience the pain you’re feeling. You get a momentary feeling of gratification–even pleasure–to see them suffer. You temporarily get rid of your pain by passing it on to them, and this is a short-term gain. It is so gratifying, it can become addictive.
A real victory is one in which you seek to understand your own role in creating your own feelings, learn how to shift your own emotional state from unhealthy to healthy, and choose to take positive actions toward your bigger life goals in spite of whatever pain you’ve just experienced–maybe even because of the pain you’ve just experienced. You opt for the long-term gain of reaching your goals and learning self-mastery, rather than short-term gratification.
How can you begin to heal your emotional pain? There are many paths. Many of you may think that you cannot stand to go on, struggling with the pain. You can see only the pain and you cannot see beyond it.
The truth is that if you take positive action, even in the presence of the emotional pain, you will promote your healing. In other words, don’t delay taking positive growth-promoting action, simply because you are in emotional pain. The emotional pain can stop you from moving forward if you believe that you must heal it completely before living a life of value. However, if you start living a life of value, you can often heal as you grow.
Throughout this process, continue to turn inward for guidance. You might say, “All I hear is pain when I turn inward. All I can do is think about how I can get rid of the pain.”
Again, this is just my 2 cents. So, if it doesn’t fit for you, it doesn’t fit & that’s cool. But, here’s my thought about it: when you see the pain as something that is only a part of your experience, and NOT YOU, then you will realize that the voice of the pain cannot be your inner guidance. Your inner guidance is the voice that is attempting to break through the pain–it is the voice within you that says, “Of course you must go on. You are here for a reason. Look past the petty. Take the higher ground. Soothe yourself in healthy ways. Then take positive steps toward a healthy goal.”
What do you think about this?
Dr. Pam
http://www.myinnerguide.com
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Dear Friends,
This is just a reminder to call in this Tuesday, March 24th for a f*ree teleseminar where Ellen Valentine will interview me about the following:
==> F*ree Teleseminar “Your S*ecret W*eapon: Psychological Coaching”
==> Date:Tuesday 3/24/09
==> Time:6pm PST/7pm MST/8pm CST/9pm EST
==> Phone #: 1-712-421-7981
==> Entry Code: 6458#
Especially if YOU
+++ have been wondering how you might gain more control over your emotions
+++ have wished you could break a bad habit or start a good habit
+++ are dealing with a career transition & you just can’t seem to get past the bad feelings surrounding it
+++ are blocking yourself from getting from where you are to where you want to be–and you want to be there yesterday…
….then you owe it to yourself to join Ellen Valentine, ND as she interviews YOURS TRULY for a POWER-HOUR of valuable tele-training focused on helping you through great information!
Here’s what we plan to discuss on the call:
=EMOTIONS: One of the most common reasons for unpleasant emotions
=DEPRESSION: The WORST mistakes that people make in an effort to feel better
=ANGER: Why you shouldn’t use a punching bag when you’re angry
=STRESS: How whining can make your problems worse instead of better
=FEAR: How avoidance can make you phobic
Time-permitting, we’ll also talk about:
=An easy way to start on the path to feeling better now
=How combining Psychology and Coaching has super-fueled Pam’s personal success–leading her to become a best-selling author & reach other life-goals
=Why combining these fields could give you the secret weapon you need to survive and thrive in YOUR BUSINESS and YOUR RELATIONSHIPS
=The time, money, and efficiency savings offered through phone & e-mail options
=Answers to YOUR E-mailed QUESTIONS
Submit YOUR QUESTIONS to me instantly by replying to this e-mail right away, so that your question will have priority!
Looking forward to speaking with you VERY SOON! Remember to call in at the right time for your time zone!
Dr. Pam
Once again….
Here are the Call Details:
==> F*ree Teleseminar “Your S*ecret W*eapon: Psychological Coaching”
==> Date:Tuesday 3/24/09
==> Time:6pm PST/7pm MST/8pm CST/9pm EST
==> Phone #: 1-712-421-7981
==> Entry Code: 6458#
PRINT THIS OUT NOW WHILE YOU’RE THINKING ABOUT IT!!!!
To be notified in the future of all teleseminars, sign up for Insourcing at http://www.myinsourcing.com It is FREE!
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Dear Friends,
This is just a reminder to call in this Tuesday, March 24th for a f*ree teleseminar where Ellen Valentine will interview me about the following:
==> F*ree Teleseminar “Your S*ecret W*eapon: Psychological Coaching”
==> Date:Tuesday 3/24/09
==> Time:6pm PST/7pm MST/8pm CST/9pm EST
==> Phone #: 1-712-421-7981
==> Entry Code: 6458#
Especially if YOU
+++ have been wondering how you might gain more control over your emotions
+++ have wished you could break a bad habit or start a good habit
+++ are dealing with a career transition & you just can’t seem to get past the bad feelings surrounding it
+++ are blocking yourself from getting from where you are to where you want to be–and you want to be there yesterday…
….then you owe it to yourself to join Ellen Valentine, ND as she interviews YOURS TRULY for a POWER-HOUR of valuable tele-training focused on helping you through great information!
Here’s what we plan to discuss on the call:
=EMOTIONS: One of the most common reasons for unpleasant emotions
=DEPRESSION: The WORST mistakes that people make in an effort to feel better
=ANGER: Why you shouldn’t use a punching bag when you’re angry
=STRESS: How whining can make your problems worse instead of better
=FEAR: How avoidance can make you phobic
Time-permitting, we’ll also talk about:
=An easy way to start on the path to feeling better now
=How combining Psychology and Coaching has super-fueled Pam’s personal success–leading her to become a best-selling author & reach other life-goals
=Why combining these fields could give you the secret weapon you need to survive and thrive in YOUR BUSINESS and YOUR RELATIONSHIPS
=The time, money, and efficiency savings offered through phone & e-mail options
=Answers to YOUR E-mailed QUESTIONS
Submit YOUR QUESTIONS to me instantly by replying to this e-mail right away, so that your question will have priority!
Looking forward to speaking with you VERY SOON! Remember to call in at the right time for your time zone!
Dr. Pam
Once again….
Here are the Call Details:
==> F*ree Teleseminar “Your S*ecret W*eapon: Psychological Coaching”
==> Date:Tuesday 3/24/09
==> Time:6pm PST/7pm MST/8pm CST/9pm EST
==> Phone #: 1-712-421-7981
==> Entry Code: 6458#
PRINT THIS OUT NOW WHILE YOU’RE THINKING ABOUT IT!!!!
To be notified in the future of all teleseminars, sign up for Insourcing at http://www.myinsourcing.com It is FREE!
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Yes, I know. I am aware that my title sounds so silly…I actually thought of it as I was typing & it must be a bumper sticker from my past! But, it never hurts to have a sense of humor–anger is so SERIOUS & it can harm you/others.
Here is a question that recently caught my attention:
alot of times, i can not control my mind. when i see something or feel someone did me wrong, i keep thinking ways of trashing that certain someone…..i have so much anger….i keep thinking bad things to make that person suffer…the situations are so miminal but i turned it into a big issue….
The question you ask is important–I think that first of all you’re doing great identifying that you’re angry, which is the first step–to know what you feel & that you don’t like to feel it.
The next step is to understand it more. Usually anger is associated with beliefs such as “someone else should have acted differently than they did”; when you are considering acting upon your anger to harm someone, you might be thinking “people who don’t act the way I want them to must be punished.”
When you stop and look at the beliefs that are leading to your anger, you might realize that they are not serving you over the long run. You might see that there isn’t really any proof that others must act as you want them to. You might begin to recognize that while it is normal to want people to act how we want them to act, it isn’t usually necessary for them to do things exactly as you wish! In addition, you can be okay even when others inconvenience you, insult you, or act badly.
So, take some slow, deep breaths & then write down what you’re thinking that is causing you to feel angry. Then look at what you wrote and decide whether there might be a more helpful, less anger-causing way of viewing the situation.
You can also take some time to shift your mind through positive activity. For example, watch a comedy, go on a brisk walk, sing a song, or distract yourself for a while. Sometimes as time passes and you get involved in your life, you will see that your unhealthy beliefs seem less true.
Good luck with your work on this.
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I read a post on Craig’s list and tried to respond to it. Unfortunately, it was “too new” to reply to. So, I wil post my reply here in the hopes that those who need it will receive it somehow.
The question was: I was recently diagnosied with Borderline Personality Disorder and don’t know what to do. It seems so hopeless. Advice?
My reply: I’m a therapist who sometimes works with people who have this condition. It is good to have an accurate diagnosis so the person treating you can help you properly. I know it isn’t fun being diagnosed–it seems reductionistic at some level–but if the diagnosis is used to help you, it is usually for the best to know it & learn more about it.
Here are a few things to consider learning more about that relate to this diagnosis. I’m not saying all are right for you, just that I’ve found these common themes are really really helpful for people with Borderline Personality Disorder.
1. Learn about appropriate communication. How can you communicate in a way that is respectful of yourself and the other person? Where’s the middle ground?
2. Learn about the typical fears of people with this disorder, such as the fear of abandonment. Learn how to tolerate being alone & ambiguity. Learn to give yourself the certainty that no one else can give you.
3. Learn self-love and self-reliance. Do something loving for yourself EVERY DAY!
4. Learn what sets you off and what helps soothe you–learn healthy ways of responding to emotional pain.
5. Learn how to make good decisions and to follow through on your decisions by creating a plan and taking baby steps. Reinforce yourself daily for your baby steps.
6. Learn to set limits with yourself and others.
7. Learn about all or nothing thinking and how to think in shades of gray. The middle ground is an important thing to master.
These are a few of the things that could bring you great relief. In addition, if you learn to turn inward and tune into your inner guidance, you may find the answers to reduce your depression, anxiety and relationship problems. When you are in a positive mood, begin to ask yourself, “How can I love myself more?” Ask, “Show me how I can be more respectful of others.” Turn toward your inner guidance when your emotional state is healthy, and write down your answers. Keep a journal to learn from your own answers. Study what you learn and process these answers with your therapist.
Best of luck in your soul-searching. If anything above resonates with you, you should share the ideas with your therapist.
Sending you white light,
Dr. Pam Garcy
http://www.myinnerguide.com”>http://www.myinnerguide.com>
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Did you know that there is a price to be paid when we block our inner guidance? Do you understand how this even develops & why it is that people continue to squelch their inner truth?
When we experience something emotionally painful AND when we then block ourselves from coping directly with our experience, symptoms tend to develop. What kind of symptoms? They can be just about anything. Some are turned outward such as moodiness, abuse, or agressive communication. Others are turned inward such as substance use, self-harming behaviors or compulsive behaviors. There are many other types of symptoms as well.
These symptoms are known in behavioral terms as “avoidance responses”–the pathological responses that develop as a result of the relief we feel when we avoid coping with something unpleasant. The relief is negatively reinforcing–it reinforces us by removing an unpleasant feeling that arises in our awareness.*
Unfortunately, as we continue to avoid our reality, we are also avoiding the opportunity to grow through effective coping. We essentially stunt our own growth & stay stuck. When we are really being honest with ourselves, we can hear the still small voice within saying, “There is a problem. Please deal with it.” Avoidance responses stifle the inner guidance. They are louder, somehow, and we can “hide out” in them. But, if we want to be healthy and grow, it is time to move past this.
Germophobia is sometimes an instance of this–not always, but sometimes. I want to share an article about this topic. I am quoted at the end of the article. Here is the link for it. Hope it is helpful–and remember to take time to hear your inner guide. Often, this is the part of you that is wise and is there to help you to make the healthier choices that you’d need to move past your pain. If you’re having trouble tuning into your inner guidance, I’d recommend you read my book, the #1 National Bestseller, The Power of Inner Guidance: Seven Steps to Tune in and Turn On.
Anyway, here is the link to the article on msnbc.com: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/29166897/page/2/
Have a glorious day–and remember that Life Is Incredible!
Pam Garcy, PhD
Have you signed up for the April 4th workshop in Plano? Go to http://www.lifeisincredible.com
*People tend to confuse negative reinforcement with punishment–but the two are entirely different. Reinforcement, by definition, INCREASES a behavior. Negative reinforcement is any reinforcement that results by REMOVING an unpleasant stimulus. Punishment, on the other hand, is designed to stop a behavior by introducing an aversive consequence or removing a pleasureable consequence–very different. You can usually tell if someone knows what they’re talking about in this area by whether they confuse these terms.
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Dear Friends & Universe,
I’m calling for your help. I want to get the word out that we can cope through these tough times & tell people how to start doing so. I’m sad when I hear about lives going to waste due to the panic of the times. It isn’t right, but I know it is beyond my control. However, there is something in my control to do–to try and get my message out there more & to ask you for help. We can pull together now and use what we know to help each other through the tough times.
Here’s what I’m asking for–help me get onto The View, Oprah, Dr. Phil or any of the national shows–if you know anyone who knows anyone who might be open to what I’m doing. This would help me to get the message of healing out there. I’m not out to profit on my book sales. I will share my profits with charity–I mean that seriously–I’ll just deduct my travel/hotel & the rest of my profits go straight to charity. I want to help people. That’s all I’m saying. But I need your help because I’m just starting on this different road.
I spent tons of money with a PR person who was wonderful & got me started on the road. She believes in my mission to help people to tune into their inner guidance & to make wise decisions about the messages they are getting. But, she hasn’t gotten me onto a national show. So, as her time draws to an end, I think about the others out there who might feel the pull to help–that is your inner guidance talking & I’m asking you to listen to it for the sake of anyone who hasn’t heard my message but needs to hear it.
Let’s get the world to think in a healthier fashion together. Six Degrees of Separation supposedly separate us from the people who we need to be in touch with in order to serve. I want to serve and I need your help to do it.
Anyway, if you’re in a position to help, here are the clips from the interview in Houston (3 minutes), Good Morning Texas (5 minutes), and Dallas Morning News.
Live tv interview from last week in Houston:
Good Morning Texas Video from yesterday:
Dallas Morning News Article from yesterday:
I figure I’ve used up about 8 minutes of my 15 minutes of lifetime fame. So, if any of you know anyone who knows anyone who knows Oprah’s director of production or like someone from The View, feel free to pass my clip along!
Sign up for my free e-zine Insourcing at:
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